My Body by Desiree LoveAll Rudder

The Church says: the body is a sin.
Science says: the body is a machine.
Advertising says: The body is a business.
The Body says: I am a fiesta.

― Eduardo Galeano, Walking Words (1940-2015)

November 25, 2019

Below is an anam cara’s Facebook post from a few days. I was very moved by it as someone who also deals with body issues, weight, shape, etc. With Desiree’s permission, I share her loving words and most beautiful of photographs! Will you join us in loving your body this holiday season?

STUFF I KNOW – My Body
© Desiree LoveAll Rudder

My body and its state of being has been a focus by either someone who wanted to use it for their own, selfish experience or by my neurotic, critical belief about how I must look in order to be loved.

I, too, have judged others by how their body looks — I love the aesthetics of curvy women and dad bods. I’ve compared myself to women who have curves in all the “right” places…after all, according to media, big booties and flat bellies are acceptable.

What about the rest of us? Those of us who, like me, have a big caboose AND a big belly, and arms, and thighs, and back fat. Are we beautiful, desirous, and sexy, too?

I’ve battled with my weight my entire life. Turns out, I’m tired of the battle. I woke up yesterday morning and, before my eyes even opened, I heard myself say aloud, “I don’t want to be thin.”

That’s a bold statement to make on social media, for the eyes of judgment to see. I feel very vulnerable knowing you’re reading this right now. Yet, I somehow know I am not alone.

I had the opportunity to massage a woman yesterday. She said something that deepened my perspective about myself. She said, “I am 54 years old and I am finally treating my body like she is my lover, my Sacred Consort. I spent my entire life hating my body. Not today. Today, I am in love with her.”

This rocked me and cast me back into a review of my life in this skin suit of mine. I don’t remember EVER truly loving my body. As a matter of fact, when I released 100 pounds a couple of years ago, I hated my body more than ever. The anxiety of being in a smaller body terrified me. It felt unauthentic to my soul.

Believe me, I over-analyzed myself for thinking this way. I obsessed, actually — a gift of being a Gemini. What normal, sane, healthy person is OK with being in a larger body?
I’ve gained and released the same 100 lbs eight times in the past 30 years by trying to control how I look. Mostly because I cared about what you thought of me, because I deeply wanted to connect with you. Who doesn’t want to be loved simply for their sweet soul?

Turns out, in the presence of Judgement – real or perceived – I do.

It also turns out my soul can do magical stuff and serve humanity — even in a larger body. Focused and clearly.

Irish Thanksgiving blessing – An Old Irish Blessing
May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life’s passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours!

Leave a Comment